It’s ok to want it to be different, even though I chose this.I need to remind myself of this over and over. I have an old belief that in order to take responsibility and not be a victim, I need to accept things the way they are 100% of the time.That is not the feminine way. That does not leave any room for the gray area, and the different parts of me that show up in different moments.It’s ok to want a partner to raise children with; even though I chose to leave the relationship with my son’s father.It’s ok to want to do better for myself and my children, and acknowledge that I’m doing a great job too.It’s ok to grieve the fairytale I had in my mind growing up about what my life would look like when I had kids. The house in the country with the huge meadow for the kids to run around in, a stream to throw rocks in, and a loving partnership where I wouldn’t make the mistakes my parents made.When I had that vision I had NO clue what I had to do to become the healthy partner I imagined in my mind. And so I grieve for my younger self, and my current self, and welcome this part of me.
Because I know that idyllic perfection isn’t reality. These are my current realistic expectations:
Willingness to learn and grow
Vulnerability to open and express myself
Curiosity to explore and heal
Responsibility to own and tend
As a mother I know that I am not perfect, but I’m more than willing to stay in relationship with my kids when we disagree, when they hurt, when it’s hard, when one of us wants it to be different; and I believe as long as I continue to model that for them, I’m doing a damn good job. I am so so grateful to get to be on the motherhood journey with these two amazing boys who have chosen me as their mama. Happy Mother’s Day, mama’s! Wishing you time and space to be with alll of the parts of you today.