Surrendering and letting life and God crack open my heart and soul again and again, as I deepen my practice of releasing my ideals of perfectionism…ohhh the opportunities to really live it though…
A year and a half ago I had a freebirth at home, where Addie was born in the bathroom, just like I saw in a dream a few months before.
This was my ideal birth experience in so many ways (aside from being horribly feverish with Covid). It was quiet and at home with no interventions where we could just snuggle up in bed right away afterwards. Everything went so smoothly and I was able to receive him into my arms with ease as I hovered over the toilet.
The next month (and year) was incredibly challenging though. After birth I had developed really bad mastitis, and I was healing from Covid, plus the impact of having a baby was incredibly challenging for Addie's dad; and I wasn't supported in the ways that I really needed. I had intense mood swings. I felt so guilty for not being as present as I wanted to be for my baby when I was sick. I blamed myself for the impact of the antibiotics on my babe, and for his colic, for not having a solid partnership, for SO much He would crryyyyy for hours. And I would cry, at what seemed like trivial things, and then I felt ashamed for crying so much.
I felt SO embarrassed that my life wasn't how I wanted it to be in my mind. I had a lot of really joyful amazing moments as well, and feel so grateful to be a mom again, but it was also soooo hard, and I don't want to pretend otherwise, because pretending gets me nowhere. What supported me the most navigating it all, has been my spiritual practices, tools like EFT and inner child work, combined with my devotion, and my connection with God.
I was able to come back to myself when feeling overwhelmed or ashamed. I was able to remember my capacity to be with the discomfort, lean in to my experience with curiosity, and give myself permission to feel ALL the feelings, even the embarrassment and shame. My pleasure practice connecting with God in an intimate way also helped me feel that unconditional loving energy that I needed. I believe this was what kept me capable of continuing to show up through it all, and kept me from going into a depression. Phew!
This time off has really given me some much needed space from my coaching business to help me really feel into what I want to offer next, and what's really important to me. I've purged quite a bit, emotionally and physically. I've let go of that which isn't serving me. I don't have space for anything or anyone who isn't a deeply nourishing part of my life, because being a single mama is a lot!
My new offerings have arisen from the depths of my vulnerability in the most sacred and intimate moments with myself and God. This is what matters to me. And I am soooo excited for those of you who feel the call to say yes to diving into working together in the radical depths love and life. I am so grateful for all of you, and that I actually get to do the work I LOVE in this life.