If you really knew me, you’d know I have an incredibly vivid and detailed memory. I remember the day I was born, looking up at the bright lights in the hospital room wondering what world I just landed in.I remember sneaking a lollipop into my bed when I was 2 and trying to unwrap verrry quietly after my mom tucked me in so she wouldn’t notice. She noticed.
I remember all of the telephone numbers I’ve ever had including the ones when I was a kid. I remember many dreams from my childhood—especially the big bad wolf coming to life under my bed and haunting me for years. I remember many late nights laying on my great grandmother’s belly, and when I close my eyes I can still feel her long, acrylic, burgundy nails scratch my back as I drift to sleep in her lap.I remember soooo many details, I could go on and on.
That’s why when I experienced a traumatic event that involved being sexually abused at 8 years old or so, it was soooo odd to me that I didn’t remember it. My brain blocked it out. The human brain is very smart, it protected me from feeling the pain of that experience to help me survive. This is called dissociative amnesia. This is why when I felt threatened, I would dissociate and leave my body. I went about 6 years without even remembering that it happened. And then alllll of the sudden one day…I remembered EVERYTHING! I was flooded with shock, and fear and confusion. The confusion came from not knowing if I could trust my own memory, because the person who hurt me was in our lives.
I had thoughts like:“I must be wrong because my mom wouldn’t allow someone bad into our lives.”“I don’t know how to deal with all of this so I’m just going to ignore it.” “I can’t tell anyone because everyone thinks this person is amazing and they talk about how helpful and kind he is all the time, so I must be wrong.” This experience left me feeling lost, alone, and doubting my own sense of reality. I’m soooo much better and staying in my body now and not disassociating whenever I am triggered, but it took years and years of therapy and coaching to feel confident in my ability to:
regulate my own nervous system
trust that my memories and feelings are valid and real
unwind my negative association with desire and pleasure
learn that I am worthy of my desires
understand that I am not a sex object, and that it is ok to be sexy and desirable because I have healthy boundaries
be able to forgive myself for not remembering
forgive myself for not sharing what happened with adults in my life at the time
forgive the adults in my life for not knowing
understand that my desire is what connects me to my intuition
And so much more. I don’t blame anyone for what happened except the man who took advantage of me. I’m so grateful to have the awareness and capacity to do the work to heal from this experience. And to be able to support others in reclaiming their desires, especially after traumatic histories that have left them with a negative association.
This is some of the foundational work I do with my clients…help them find where they lost their connection with their intuition, and build the muscle of listening and trusting in the self. Your desire is your North Star. It will guide you if you know how to listen.
Contact me to set up a free call to see if my mentorship program is a good fit for you on your healing journey.