I used to want to be liked by everyone. I’d go out of my way to offer to help cleanup or cook a meal for someone, or take their pets while they went on holiday. With men I would be overly attentive, try to guess what they needed before they would ask. I didn’t know what it meant to have genuine desire. In my mind there were “shoulds” and “should nots”. This effected all of my relationships in a negative way, because I was continually operating out of alignment with what I really wanted, and engaging in co-dependent behaviors.
I needed a ton of external validation, especially from men, so I would do whatever I could to get them to like me; I didn’t even consider asking myself if I actually liked them.
I didn’t have clear boundaries and so would get burnt out and resent others for for my over-giving.
I often ended up feeling used or betrayed when someone didn’t like me, because I thought I did everything according to what they would want.
I ended up in an abusive marriage and many tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Then I realized that the common denominator in all of my toxic relationships was me. I started to work on my attachment style, codependency and more. I learned what it means to actually want something for me, and more importantly, that I deserve what I want. It took me a long time to get here, and I know what desire feels like now. I know how to access my inner yes and no. I don’t offer to help anyone unless it really feels like a yes. Many clients ask: but sometimes we need to do things for people we love that we don’t want to do? I see this reasoning as another example of the codependent dynamic. When we are in a secure relationship, going out of our way for someone we love, or extending when it might not be the convenient thing to do comes from a place of genuine desire to keep the relationship flowing in a healthy state of give and take. It’s not about a “should” anymore. It’s about a desire for the big picture. Healthy partnership.